What is Your Attachment Style, and How Does it Impact Your Relationships?
Relationships are emotional roller coasters. They make us feel anxious, frustrated, and upset. What causes us to feel certain ways during times of conflict or quiet moments? One factor is your attachment style. There are three attachment styles, according to attachment theory: anxious, avoidant, and secure. Which attachment style resonates most with you, and what can it tell you about your feelings in your relationships? Dive in…
Attachment theory helps us understand our feelings within our relationships. It’s largely influenced by how we were raised—aka how we interacted and bonded with our caregivers. Attachment theory argues that early emotional bonds with our caregivers continue to impact our relationships later on in life. According to Ainsworth, the quality of bonding you experienced during this first relationship with your caregiver often determines how well you relate to other people throughout your life. Now let’s explore the three styles within attachment theory.
1. Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment generally have anxiety within a relationship because they fear being abandoned. As a result, they often seek validation. Individuals with anxious attachment styles may have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. They may also find it difficult to connect to others, and they may be clingy or anxious within their relationships. If you experienced confusing, frightening, or inconsistent emotional communication as a child, you are more likely to have this attachment style.
How anxious attachment explains feelings in relationships:
You feel as though you can’t fully rely on your partner.
Being in a relationship may take over your life; you may be fixated on that individual.
You may find it difficult to maintain boundaries with others.
2. Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment may be a result of a child’s caregiver being emotional unavailable or rejecting them from a young age. When this occurs, the child feels as though their needs are not met, so they distance themselves emotionally to self-soothe. If you are a very independent person and you value time on your own, you may have the avoidant attachment style. People with avoidant attachment tend to avoid intimacy, or intimacy makes them uncomfortable.
How avoidant attachment explains feelings in relationships:
You’re an independent person and you don’t feel as though you need others.
The more that an individual tries to become close to you, the more that you withdraw.
You minimize or disregard your partners feelings and crave that sense of freedom.
3. Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment style are able to navigate relationships most successfully. They are typically self-confident, trusting, and hopeful; they are able to manage conflict pretty well. If you experience a secure attachment style, you are likely empathetic and you are able to set appropriate boundaries. Secure attachment style is a result of feeling safe and understood by your caregivers as a child. The caregivers responded to cries and interpreted your emotional needs appropriately.
How secure attachment explains feelings in relationships:
You appreciate your own self-wroth, you’re comfortable with expressing needs.
You’re able to maintain emotional balance and find healthy ways to resolve conflict.
You express resilience when faced with disappointment or crises.
Attachment styles say a lot about us. They explain how we were raised and why we navigate relationships a certain way. It’s helpful to identify which attachment style feels most similar to you, so that you can better understand yourself. Attachment styles aren’t a textbook definition of who you are and how you’re going to act in your relationships. Consider them as a starting point to exploring your behaviors. From here, think about why you act the way that you do, and what you can do to make emotionally charged situations more manageable. The goal is to be compassionate with yourself and your loved ones, so you can reduce friction in your relationships.