Six Strategies to Help Manage Perfectionism in Your Home
Perfectionism can serve a purpose in each of our lives, though sometimes it causes problems and contributes to stress. It’s an exhausting pursuit that can stifle healthy risk-taking, growth, progress, and discovery. Perfectionism can look various ways in children, teens, and adults, like:
Procrastination or difficulty completing tasks
Not wanting to try things that are new or unfamiliar, in an effort to avoid failing or making a mistake
Being self-critical
Overly cautious and thorough when doing tasks
Fear of embarrassment or judgement from others
Becoming frustrated, angry, or upset if thinking mistakes have been made, and giving up easily
All-or-Nothing Thinking – “If it isn’t perfect, or exactly what I was expecting/hoping, it’s wrong/stupid/awful.”
Failing is an unavoidable part of life. The home can be a very valuable place to foster the determination that underlies perfectionistic tendencies, the part of perfectionism that drives us to achieve. How can families support one another through managing perfectionism?
Provide opportunities for failure, and practice failure.
Perfectionists may prefer activities that they’re good at, that they know they can do well. When things are hard, they may want to avoid the tasks rather than struggle/fail at them. Failures can feel like inadequacies. By providing opportunities for failure, by finding things for our family members to work at, like an art class, learning a new instrument, trying new cooking techniques, recipes, or cuisines, doing a difficult puzzle together, etc., we can show that mistakes are a part of growth. As we make attempts, we can fail safely as we work towards building mastery!
Model gracious mistake-making and losing.
People who struggle with perfectionism can often think that others are perfect. While providing opportunities for failure, model examples of your own! Share about times that you’ve made mistakes, lost, or failed, along with the lessons you learned from them. The Meaning we make of our mistakes and losses can help us decrease distress and shame. Ask your child for their advice or feedback when you experience a struggle. Try not to engage in negative self-talk in front of others. Practice losing in board games, acknowledge and normalize mistakes in our day-to-day, and show others how you try again!
Help create realistic schedules and timelines.
High standards should be encouraged, not perfection. Miriam Adderholdt, author of Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good?, echoes that, “there’s a
difference between excellence and perfectionism.” We can help our family members set goals and expectations for themselves that are attainable and reachable. Help your child by breaking down larger tasks into manageable steps, with the goal being to complete the tasks themselves, not to do it perfectly. Try to avoid using the word “perfect” altogether. Downtime is also important. Set aside time as a family to relax and recharge that isn’t solely focused on achievement.
Allow yourselves to be silly sometimes! & Have fun!
Perfectionists can be really hard on themselves! (And this is where the self-criticism can creep in.) Being silly together as a family and laughing with one other, especially at mistakes, can help us practice to enjoy and focus on One Thing at a Time. Highlight fun and enjoyment in conversation.
This can help to ensure that our family members know that love, worth, and value aren’t conditional on performance.
Emphasize the process, not the product.
Perfectionists often have an idea or expectations of how something should turn out. Distress, shame, and anxiety can come when the reality of the final result doesn’t match up with these expectations. Excellence involves enjoying what you’re doing and learning, not just the product. Rather than asking your child, “what grade did you get on your spelling test?,” something like “did you get that word right that we were practicing together yesterday?,” can emphasis the learning and skill-building process. We can work towards stressing more than just achievement/performance, whether it’s in sports, academics, the arts, etc.
Use the “Power of Yet”
When you hear a family member say that they can’t do something, that they’re not doing good at it, or that they haven’t accomplished something, help them understand the power of “YET!” The “Power of Yet” and a growth mindset allows us to trust in our abilities to learn, develop, and improve over time. Rather than just “being good,” a growth mindset allows us to thrive in a space of “getting better.”