Minimizing Microaggressions Toward Your LGBTQ+ Child
Microaggressions come in many different forms, and no matter the form, they all could have a deep, long lasting impact– especially when coming from a loved one. Microaggressions are characterized as covert or overt derogatory language or behavior targeted toward a marginalized group of individuals. In recent years, there has been a growth in research that supports the idea that microaggressions negatively impact LGB (lesbian, gay, bisexual) individual’s mental health (see Nadal et al., 2011).
Additionally, studies have shown that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning (LGBTQ) people who experience microaggressions have reported negative outcomes like depression, low self-esteem, and trauma (Nadal et al., 2016). Through my work with children, teens, and young adults who identify as part of the LGBTQ population, I have seen the wounding impact of these microaggressions first hand. I have also witnessed how much more distressing and disappointing they are coming from within a trusted circle of carers or loved ones.
Below are a few of the many examples of common microaggressions that you should be aware of and work to intentionally minimize in your everyday life.
Do not justify your opinions because you do not understand and add “but I love you” at the end of that explanation: This may sound like, “I don’t understand why you want me to use they/them pronouns but I love you anyway…you know that.” This is the perfect opportunity to spend time getting to know your child and who they are! Plan to go on an ice cream date and spend the time asking respectful questions that empowers your child to share who they are with you. Lacking understanding is not a justifiable excuse. Love merits understanding, or at least the effort to.
Do not judge your child for not fitting stereotypes or reaching your expectations of what you thought they would be: This may sound like, “I can’t believe I’m never going to be able to walk you down the aisle now– I always dreamed of that experience.” It can be hurtful to hear that your parents are stuck on forcing you to be someone you are not. Once you put in the effort to understand who your child is, you can build new dreams together!
Do not assume the experience or identities of all LGBTQ people are the same: This may sound like, “I can’t wait for you to meet Sam. You’re both transgender so you’ll get along great.” Statements like those would never be said to non-LGBTQ individuals. Just because two individuals identify with the same gender identity or sexual preference does not mean that they share the same qualities or values. It does not guarantee they will get along.
The next time you find yourself using microaggressions, admit your wrongdoing and apologize. Take accountability for what you did and try your best to not repeat the incident in the future. Lead by example in showing your child that it's okay to make mistakes and grow from them. Lastly, don’t forget to validate your child’s reaction to the microaggression and don’t minimize their emotions.
Sources:
Nadal, K. L. Issa, M., Leon, J., Meterko, V., Wideman, M., & Wong, Y. (2011). Sexual orientation
microaggressions: “Death by a thousand cuts” for lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth. Journal of LGBT
Youth, 8(3), 1-26.
Nadal, K. L., Whitman, C. N., Davis, L. S., Erazo, T., & Davidoff, K. C. (2016).
Microaggressions toward lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and genderqueer people: A
review of the literature. The Journal of Sex Research, 53, 488–508