Resolving Family Conflicts with VALIDATE
Are you often at odds with your kids, partner, or other people in your quarantine bubble?
Whether you’re constantly with your family or not, conflict is inevitable. Every family experiences disputes in one way or another. You might disagree on what’s for dinner, what show to binge watch, or what to do on a rainy Sunday. When in conflict, your emotions intensify and you may feel more stressed. Repeated conflict can wear you down, so it’s not the ideal state to regularly be in.
Disagreements during already stressful times can make everyday life difficult for everyone. With continuous conflict caused by being around each other all of the time, your family may feel out of touch, tense, or distant. How can you strengthen your family relationships, reduce conflict, and feel happier?
Next time you encounter conflict, give the VALIDATE skill a try! VALIDATE helps you validate others; you verbally recognize how they are feeling in order to reach a mutual understanding and find a solution. It’s perfect for families because it encourages open, honest communication, allowing family members to connect on a deeper level. This makes it easier to see eye to eye, to move beyond the conflict, and to work towards a compromise. Let’s explore how VALIDATE can help your family…
V: Value others -Valuing others can make a big difference in our ability to get along. When in conflict, seek and notice the inherent value in others. What has your child, partner, or family member done to make your life a little better lately? How have they added value to your life? Consider how their contributions have made quarantine smoother for you, rather than only focusing on how their current actions are making things difficult in this moment.
A: Ask questions -When you ask questions, you gain understanding of other people’s experiences. Everyone has a unique point of view—even your little ones. Ask and engage them about their views to better understand where they are coming from. Ask “why” and “how” questions to encourage your child to further explain their viewpoint. Not only will this give them an opportunity to feel heard, but it will also help you understand your child better.
L: Listen and reflect -Listen to your family member’s answers to your questions and reflect back the major themes. While listening, be sure to practice active listening skills. Maintain eye contact, avoid distractions (like using your phone, having the TV on in the background, or doing something at the same time as you’re listening), and use positive body language like nodding to show that you’re actively engaged in the conversation. Before you respond, reflect back on what was said and make sure that your reply is relevant and fitting for the conversation.
I: Identify with others -Everyone wants to feel understood. Just as you would like to be understood, work to see the world through the eys of your child, partner, or family member. Put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself, “If I were _____, what would I be thinking? What would I be feeling? What would I do?” Going through these questions can help you build understanding and empathy. If you can make that connection and identify with the person’s needs, then the other person is more likely to understand your perspective too.
D: Discuss emotions -Talk about your child’s or partner’s feelings and how their emotions affect them. Remember to focus on their perspective, NOT on how they are affecting you. Again, put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they feel. You would want them to do the same for you! This will help your child or partner feel heard—like their thoughts and feelings are being taken into consideration. It makes it more likely that they will be willing to listen to you and identify with how you feel as well.
A: Attend to nonverbals -When in conflict, do you notice the way the other person crosses their arms, raises their voice, or turns their head away? These are all signs that they might not be receptive to the way you’re communicating to them. Take notice of your child’s nonverbal communication; it gives you information about their experiences, so that you can modify your approach to get them to better listen. In addition, be mindful of your nonverbals. Maintain open body language, a clear and calm voice, and a gentle manner as best you can.
T: Turn the Mind -Validation does not mean agreeing with your family member or giving into them! It DOES mean that you are giving them permission to feel their emotions and to have their own perspective. Hear the other person’s thoughts or opinions for what they are, even if you don’t like or agree with their ideas. Show them the respect that you would want when you share your side of the story.
E: Encourage participation -
Resolving conflicts and validating others isn’t easy! Encourage yourself and your family member to be engaged in the process. Give your child, partner, or loved one positive feedback when they do a good job of validating you. You could show your appreciation and say “Thanks for truly listening to me,” or “We did a great job of working through this together.” Be sure to give yourself a pat on the back when you successfully validate someone too!
With these strategies in mind, take a moment to think of a recurring conflict in your family. Have one in mind? Now re-read the steps above and imagine using the VALIDATE skill to change the narrative and more easily navigate that conflict.
When you validate your children, partners, and others in your quarantine bubble, you’re letting them know that they are heard and understood. You model the behavior that you wish you receive when you express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Take note of what works and what needs tweaking to fit your family’s needs. By practicing VALIDATE, you can better resolve family conflicts without as much emotional distress.