How to Effectively Ask Your Kids to do What You Want
Do you find yourself asking your kids to do something 4 or 5 times before you finally give in, give up, and do it yourself?
Sometimes, it can seem like your kids don’t care about the consequences of following through on daily tasks, or that they don’t care to listen to what you have to say. Yet ignoring your requests has impacts on you and the whole family. It may place additional stress on your role as a parent and it may increase tensions among the family.
It’s one of every parent’s greatest dilemmas: How do you get your kids to do what you want?
If you’re looking for an effective way to ask for what you want, try using the DEARMAN skill. DEARMAN is a fantastic DBT skill that improves communication and helps you get what you want—without yelling, whining, or conflicts. It’s an acronym with tips and techniques to make requests.
Imagine that you would like to ask your child to take out the recycling every Tuesday and Friday. Take a look at the steps that you could take below for using DEARMAN to get your child to take up this responsibility.
D: Describe -
Share the facts about the situation. Avoid over-embellishing here; ONLY state the facts and don’t beat around the bush. Set the stage for what you are about to say. Example: The recycling goes out to the curb so it can be picked up every Tuesday and Friday.
E: Express -
Express your feelings about the situation. Use an “I” statement followed by the word FEEL. Example: I feel upset that the recycling has been piling up lately. OR I feel excited that you are old enough to take on chores now.
A: Assert -
Ask for what you want clearly; do not assume that your child can read your mind or know exactly what you want. The most effective way of communicating your needs or requests to your child is to be clear and never assume that they can pick up on underlying expectations. Example: I would like for you to take the recycling bin to the curb every Tuesday and Friday morning by 8AM.
R: Reinforce –
What’s in it for the other person if they grant you what you ask for (without bribing or threatening)? Find something of value to the other person and let them see the value in giving you what you ask for. Example: I will be able to trust you to have more responsibility and freedom if you follow through on this chore. OR It will make you feel empowered to have responsibility for yourself.
M: Mindfulness -
Stay focused on your goal and be a broken record. This means that if your child starts changing the subject or arguing with you, you simply repeat the request and stay focused until your requests are heard. The other piece of mindfulness here is to not get frustrated if your requests are met with push-back. If you find yourself getting frustrated with your child, ensure that you stay in Wise Mind and take a break or walk away and return to the issue once you are calm.
A: Appear confident -
Make eye contact, speak clearly and softly, and think positive thoughts. Children pick up on when parents are frustrated or stressed. Model confident and calm communication for your child so that they are more likely to do the same.
N: Negotiate -
Compromise and be willing to give in on some things; offer alternative options. Turn the tables and ask your child what a good solution might look like. Be sure to have a negotiation in mind BEFORE you start the DEARMAN process so that you can remain confident and mindful throughout the conversation. Example: I would like for you to take the recycling out every Friday by 8AM for now, and I will cover Tuesdays.
You don’t have to feel frustrated or upset by constant nagging any longer! With these tips, engaging your child and asking them to do chores or projects can be done in a way that is effective for you and receptive for them. Note that the DEARMAN skill takes practice, so don’t get frustrated if it doesn’t come easy to you the first time around. Be open and willing to rehearse DEARMAN and give it another go. With time, you’ll find the approach that works best for you and your family.