3 Ways to Develop your Child’s Healthy Independence

Becoming a healthy and capable adult requires your child to learn to make decisions, solve problems and learn from mistakes. It requires him/her/them to pay attention to their value system and begin to form an identity. It also requires enough trust and safety in your family system for your child to start depending on you less and take more responsibility – moving from dependence to independence.

Creating more independence is often a topic in family therapy and in therapy with teens. There is often a difference of opinion and discord between child and parents as they begin to navigate these waters – often with the child feeling invincible and wanting LOTS of independence and the parents feeling apprehensive and wanting to hold tightly to the reins.

In order for your child to feel capable in the long run, they need to go out in the world, make some mistakes (hopefully small ones), and then return home to learn from the mistakes and revise thinking for the next time. One of the best ways to learn is through experiencing challenges firsthand.

For parents, the struggle lies in giving your children enough space to make mistakes that they can learn from AND not so much space that it risks your child getting seriously hurt. It’s not easy to find middle ground between your child’s needs to be independent and venture out and your need to keep your child forever safe and close.

So how do you strike a balance? Where is the line between creating independence and promoting safety?

Here are 3 tips on how to approach this topic in your family discussions:
 

Avoid yelling, criticism, judgment and mocking:
Even if your words are important, your child will ALWAYS remember your delivery. The way you speak may resonate more than what you’re saying. So, your child may not take your meaningful words said in a nasty tone or with a raised voice as seriously. Even more importantly, your child will label you as “mean” or “crazy” and the message will be lost. Therefore, it’s important to keep your cool when discussing independence. Be mindful to breathe. Walk away if you have to before sharing your upset feelings. Mocking or criticizing your child will damage the bond of trust between you, so be careful to keep your opinions to yourself if they detract from the overall message. Your child will go underground and continue the behavior in a covert way if they think they will be met by judgments for speaking the truth.

Have family meetings or consistent check-ins with your child:
Creating a fair and calm space to share information is essential for healthy development. Your child needs to figure out who they are – that is their job during childhood through adolescence. It’s essential for your child to have a safe space to talk that includes time and topic boundaries. Your child is much more likely to share personal information with you if it’s clear to them how the conversation will go. Set up and keep family meeting times consistently (start at a young age, if possible), so that your child can look forward to this time and feel relief instead of dread about this sharing time. Ask questions that elicit your child to think such as, “Is there anything you might have done differently in that situation?” or “How would you have liked us to handle that?”

Follow the baby steps method:
You don’t have to make a huge change in your child’s independence overnight. Instead, take it step by step. Start by planning small, manageable activities that you feel most comfortable with and allow your child to do them without you. For example, for a young child, perhaps them to walk the dog on a leash only on your front lawn and for a certain period of time. As your child gets older, you can give them more independence. The next step would be for them to walk the dog in the street, then for them to walk the dog to the corner, then around the block, etc. The baby step method builds confidence on both ends. Your child will feel mastery of the task and you will feel comforted as you have witnessed your child excel at the task many times before taking the next step.

 
It can be heart-wrenching to put slack in the rope between you and your child. You may have many anxious moments between watching your child ride their bike without training wheels, waiting for your child to come home in time for curfew, or especially when they first get their driver’s license. This is all normal and expected. The anxiety is temporary and pass. The safety and confidence that you establish early on will pave the way for healthy development.