Improve Family Dynamics Using Dialectics

Constant family time can strain family dynamics, even in the most agreeable of families. Spending 24/7 with the same people makes it more likely for conflicts to arise. Are you tired of arguing with your partner or pulling your hair out over your kids’ bickering? Take a dialectical approach for calmer, more pleasant days in quarantine.

Being dialectical means finding balance between opposites. The world is filled with opposing forces. Dialectics is two opposing ideas or actions happening simultaneously. Both of the ideas or actions are true in the moment because there is always more than one way to view a situation. For example, you can be mad at your partner AND love and respect them. When you think dialectically, you acknowledge that both statements are true; then, you find balance between those ideas in order to be most effective.

Are you ready to make family time less stressful? Here are some helpful tips to apply dialectics to your family dynamics…

Recognize your feelings –
Reduce conflicts by starting with yourself and your emotions. Emotions can be tricky at times. You may feel multiple emotions at once without even realizing it. Pay attention to how you’re feeling in the moment. Remind yourself that you can feel opposing emotions at the same time. For example, when your partner complains that you’re having your roasted chicken again at the dinner table, you may feel anger from the complaint AND joy from eating your favorite dinner dish. Both happiness and anger, two opposing emotions, can occur simultaneously—it’s part of being human. The question is, how do you deal with opposite emotions that take place at the same time? The first step is to recognize your feelings. Next, be mindful that at times, you need to both control AND tolerate your emotions. Be aware of your feelings without holding onto them. Take a dialectical approach to your emotions so that you can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

Validate your children –
Use dialectics to be aware of viewpoints different from your own. Your children want to feel understood, just as you would like to be understood by them. Work to see the world through their eyes. Validate their experiences. Model the behavior that you wish to see from them, and they will be more likely to follow suit. When your child tells you that they got a B as their final grade in math class, pause before speaking. Think about how you can validate your child dialectically. You might instinctively say “You did good in your math class, but I don’t think you tried your best.” Instead, consider a dialectical statement by replacing “but” with “and.” A dialectical response would be “I’m proud of your for getting a good grade in your math class, and I’m wondering if you could do even better next year.” The goal is to validate your child’s feelings and offer your point of view as well. It’s all about balance!

Create new patterns of self-talk –
The way you talk is a reflection of the way you think. If you think in terms of black and white, you prevent yourself from potential positive opportunities. Think to yourself and speak in a dialectical manner. Let go of extremes, like “always” and “never.” Replace them with “sometimes.” Rather than telling yourself that you’ll never have a quiet moment alone, say that you will plan time to read a book or enjoy a glass of wine sometimes. Rephrase your self-talk so that you turn negatives into positives and you open yourself to change. You can problem solve and create new opportunities for yourself and your family, simply by letting go of black and white, “all or nothing” words.

The pandemic is difficult for everyone in the family. You’re all trying to get by without getting on each other’s nerves. Reduce conflicts and stress by practicing dialectics. When you find balance between opposites, you can turn frustrating moments into manageable ones.

Think about how you can start incorporating dialectical thoughts or actions into your routine. You could integrate dialectical statements into your thoughts in the morning to start your day off on a positive note, or talk to your child in a dialectical way in order to reduce conflicts. Model dialectics for your children so that they can find balance as well. By practicing dialectics, you can make decisions that make constant family life smoother for you and your loved ones.