How to Validate AND Parent your Child

As a parent, it’s important to find a balance between making sure your child feels heard and parenting effectively. This is often easier said than done! It can be challenging to be your child’s friend to count on while maintaining boundaries and structure as a parent. Luckily, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, can help! In DBT, building and maintaining healthy relationships is a key component to interpersonal effectiveness. One interpersonal skill, the “GIVE” skill, can help you achieve this parenting balance within your household.

G: (Be) Gentle –
While using this skill, it is essential to be kind and respectful with your child. The conversation must be free of verbal attacks or harassment of any kind in order for it to be effective. Approach him or her in a nonthreatening way. For example, “Let’s talk about how it’s been difficult for you to get to school on time every morning.” Approach the conversation gently and openly without accusing your child of constantly being late to school.

I: (Appear) Interested –
Be sure to listen and appear interested in your child’s point of view, even if it differs from your point of view. Face your child, maintain eye contact or consider sitting down to his or her level. Demonstrating interest in your child’s words will make him or her feel valued. For example, “I’m listening. It sounds like you’ve been getting to sleep later lately. I want to hear more about how I can support you better to have more successful mornings.” Demonstrating your interest in helping, as opposed to reprimanding him or her for his or her tardiness, can encourage better communication within the relationship.

V: Validate –
Validation is one of the most important tools you can bring to your parenting. With words and actions, show that you understand your child’s feelings and thoughts about a situation. It is counterproductive to try and argue with your child by claiming that his or her opinion or perspective is wrong. You may not necessarily agree with his or her perspective, but acknowledging his or her feelings and opinions will make him or her feel validated. For example, “I hear you when you say you’ve been having trouble sleeping and that can be very frustrating. It makes sense that you’re struggling to wake up in the morning.” By validating your child’s emotions, he or she will feel his or her needs and feelings are heard and understood.  

E: Have an easy manner –
Most importantly, smile and be light hearted. It makes both you and your child comfortable when you’re approaching him or her without an attitude and in a smooth way. Reflect what you’re hearing in a kindhearted way and show your child compassion. For example, “If we work together, I’m certain we can find a solution.” Staying positive throughout this process will foster relationship effectiveness.

A parent’s role is constantly changing as your kids develop over time and their needs change. If you’re struggling to find balance between validating your child while maintaining your self-respect, incorporate the GIVE skill into your parenting style. Adopting this balance and interpersonal effectiveness-inspired approach can help you parent most effectively.