How to Ask for What You Need

The pandemic certainly has impacted our well-being and our relationships as a result! We’re being emotionally and physically taxed in a variety of new ways. The vast demands of social distancing, financial hardships, worries about the state of the world, and sharing increased time with close family are not easy to manage. It can lead to heightened emotions, feelings of overwhelm, and emotional instability. These all make it difficult to navigate interpersonal relationships. In order to feel validated and heard while also successfully asking for what you want during this difficult time, try using a well-known skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DEARMAN.

DEARMAN is a DBT skill that helps you be effective in getting what you want or asserting “NO.”

Begin by describing the current situation by identifying the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to and what happened. For example, “you had told me that you were coming over at 10am and you did not arrive until noon.” Be clear and specific.

Following your description, express your feelings about the situation. Utilize an “I feel ____” statement, followed by a feeling word. For example, “I feel disappointed that you were so late to arrive.” Remember, don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel. Be direct.

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “no” clearly. For example, “I would like for you to let me know when you’ll be late.” Being clear on what you want leaves no room for question or misinterpretation by the other person.

Reinforce or “reward” the person ahead of time by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need. It is important to remember that this is not referring to bribes, threats, or intimidation tactics, rather, what is in it for the other person if they give you what you want? For example, “It would make me feel like our relationship is important to you if you called me when you’re running behind.”

Stay mindful! Mindfulness is a huge component to this process as it keeps you focused on your goals and allows you to stay on topic and avoid distractions. If necessary, keep asking or repeat saying no, continue to express your opinion or keep replaying the same request over and over again. Be mindful to not get swayed or change your mind based on the response from the other person. It might feel as though you’re a broken record, but it is important in remaining assertive. If the person verbally attacks or threatens you, do not respond. If the other person becomes physically defensive, stop the process immediately. Continue to make your point by utilizing a dialectic. For example, “I hear you AND I still expect a text.”

Appearing confident is KEY! Rehearsal in advance can increase your competency in this process. Practice with a confident voice and physical manner, ensure you’re making eye contact. By rehearsing beforehand, you can reduce the likelihood of stammering ,whispering, staring at the floor, or retreating, which will lessen the likelihood of success. Work towards appearing poised and in control.

Negotiate: Be willing to give to get! If the other person won’t give way, find some common ground. It is possible you’ll have to reduce your request by offering other suggestions that you are willing to take. Try solving the problem another way. For example, “How about you text me if you’re running behind?” In doing so, a middle ground is identified and a negotiation can be made. Or, turn the problem over to the other person and ask for other solutions. For example, “What do you think I should do if you are behind in your morning and I have yet to hear from you?” In this case, the other person is given the opportunity to experience what it is like from your perspective.

DEARMAN is an effective, definitive way to ask for what you want and need. Rather than letting heightened emotions during the pandemic skew your message, use DEARMAN to assert your point of view. That way, you can build healthy, constructive relationships while improving the odds of achieving your personal goals.