Maintaining Your Self-Respect as a Parent

Parenting as we used to know it (pre-pandemic) has radically changed! We are now being challenged with multi-tasking and problem-solving novel situations with no road map or clear answers. Although positive parenting is possible right now, it certainly is challenging! 

To feel both effective AND simultaneously good about yourself while navigating this challenging time, use the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill of FAST to maintain your self-respect as a parent. FAST is helps you keep your self-respect in relationships by honoring your own values and beliefs. Let’s explore how it works…

F - Be Fair:
Be sure to be fair to both yourself and to your child. By balancing your wants and needs with your child’s wants and needs, you’re maintaining your self-respect while also modeling the importance of this balance in relationships for your child. Validating your own feelings and wishes, as well as your child’s, promotes fairness. For example, if your child dislikes the recipe you’ve made for dinner and requests something else, avoid beating yourself up over it. It doesn’t mean that your food tastes bad or that your child doesn’t want to eat what you’ve cooked. Validate your child’s feelings but also be fair and validate your own feelings of disappointment or sadness that your recipe was not a success. 

A - No Apologies:
Don’t over apologize. Avoid apologizing for stating your opinion or perspective. Be mindful of your body language: looking ashamed, directing your eyes and head down, or slumping your body. This nonverbal communication speaks volumes. If an apology is appropriate for the situation, apologize and move on. If it is unnecessary, then avoid apologizing as it may detract from the sincerity of an apology later on. For example, if your child is unhappy with dinner, consider stating, “I understand you’re unhappy with dinner this evening and I’d like your input for tomorrow.” In this case, you don’t have to apologize. Simply validate your child’s feelings and move forward.

S - Stick to Your Values:
Stick to your own values! Be clear on what you believe in. In maintaining self-respect in relationships, it is essential that you’re able to avoid compromising your core values for the sake of the other person. In the same example, if your child asks to have ice cream for dinner instead of the recipe you’ve offered, stick to your household rule of “no dessert before dinner.” It is possible that you might be leaning towards breaking this rule to appease your child, but maintaining your position is critical for both your self-respect and the relationship.

T - Be Truthful:
Be honest with yourself and with your child. Don’t act helpless when you’re not! Instead of making excuses, own up to the reality of the situation. For example, “I’m hearing you don’t like this recipe and that is okay. I appreciate your feedback and I’ll try something different next time!” Acknowledging the truth behind the situation, instead of exaggerating it or lying to yourself or others, will ensure that you’re keeping your self-respect intact.

Positive parenting is not easy! It takes a great deal of mindfulness and consideration of others to deal with daily challenges within the family. The next time you’re feeling that you may be compromising your self-respect while parenting, take a step back and consider implementing FAST. It can help you stick up for yourself, validate your child’s feelings, and proceed in a positive, effective manner.