Walking the Tightrope of Expectations

Setting expectations for your child is meant to be helpful. But, when is it harmful? Similar to a tightrope, expectations can be tricky to navigate and acrobats (in this case, your child) often require the perfect combination of skill, training, and coaching to be able to successfully get across. So when you set expectations for your child you should consider whether or not you are setting your child up to succeed (meet the expectations) or fail (not meet the expectations).

From the moment that you find out you are going to be a parent you innocently start to conjure up thoughts and ideas about what you expect your child to be like. “Who will they look most alike to?” “What will their personality be like?” “They will probably be smart like me.” “I expect them to attend my alma mater.” Many of those expectations are automatically met through their existence yet others continue to develop overtime as the child does too. It is important to self-evaluate the expectations you’re setting for your child to make sure they will motivate your child and not hinder their progress. You can use questions below to self-evaluate the expectations you have for your child to see how attainable they truly are:

1. Has my child proven they have the skills to achieve this expectation? Seek evidence. It can be easy to get caught in wishful thinking and comparisons here. Stick to your child’s abilities and what they have proven they can do based on past experiences.

2. Is it necessary to set this expectation? Why is this expectation necessary? Is it for the child’s well-being or to validate your work as a parent? Consider where the expectation comes from and why it is important?

3. Is this expectation reasonable, realistic, and attainable? There is a fine line between challenging your child and pushing them outside their comfort zone versus setting them up to fail. Consider your child’s personality, temperament, and confidence when setting expectations and deciding how much to push them.

Navigating the different stages of parenting can be tricky, as you know, there is no one size fits all formula. By using open communication and making intentional decisions you can make sure that your child feels supported and equipped to meet the expectations that you have set for them.