The Secret to Being a Supportive Parent
Seeing your child struggle may be one of the most difficult things to experience as a parent. Whether it’s watching them fall down at the playground or reading their rejection letter from their top choice college, it’s equally painful to witness. As a parent, your instinct is to fix your child’s problem or soothe their pain as quickly as possible. But what if the distress you’re feeling is more about your own discomfort than your child’s? The secret to being a supportive parent is helping your child without enabling them. Where do you draw the line between being there for your kid and doing the hard work for your kid? And how do you manage the stress that comes along with this? Here are some helpful tips…
First, ask yourself whether your actions are benefiting your child in the long-term. Will your help take away their problem or encourage them to work through their problem? You can best answer this question by breaking it down into the short-term and long-term. If your urge is to take your child’s pain away as quickly as possible, then you are thinking about short-term outcomes. If you take a step back, you’ll see that this short term GAIN often actually leads to long term PAIN. Relieving the discomfort as quickly as possible is not always the best for your child’s long-term development. On the other hand, short term PAIN can lead to long term GAIN.
What does this mean exactly? Here’s an example to explain. Let’s say that a teen is upset about their grade in math. They feel their teacher graded them unfairly, but they are afraid to talk to the teacher about it. At this point, their parent has a choice to either step in and speak to the teacher for them (short-term GAIN) OR encourage their child to lean into the uncomfortable feeling and talk to their teacher on their own (short-term PAIN). If the parent encourages their child to tackle this challenge on their own despite their anxiety, this child will gain a higher distress tolerance and a greater ability to advocate for themselves. That’s a long-term GAIN!
Allow your child to experience discomfort without intervening. It’s not only going to encourage them to develop coping skills and life skills, but it will also send the message that you believe they can solve their own problems. What better compliment is that? Intervening when your child is in distress can send the message that you don’t believe they can handle it, and your child will respond according to that belief. The goal is to empower your child. Give them the confidence to tolerate their emotions and access their coping skills, while asking you for support when they are in need.
In order to help your child build these distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills, you must use your own skills to take a step back and assess how much support will truly help your child. What are some coping skills that can help you manage your own distress?
Encouragement: Remind yourself that your child is going to be OKAY. This might sound like the following: “They’ve got this. I have faith in them. They can reach out to me if they need me.”
States of mind: Remember that you are in emotion mind if you are acting based on anxiety or fear for your child. Acknowledge your emotions while breaking it down into short-term and long-term to reach the best decision.
Opposite action: If your urge is to intervene on your child’s problem, DON’T. Create an alternative action plan for yourself and do that instead.
Giving your child more independence is hard. But part of growing up means letting your child navigate challenges on their own more often. Just as your child has to go through the discomfort of solving more problems on their own, you too have to go through the discomfort of letting them do so. As much as you want to help, intervening on your child’s issues when it’s unnecessary and shielding your child from discomfort is really a sign of your own inability to tolerate discomfort. Luckily, there are coping skills to help you support your child without enabling them. Do your best to manage the stress. And remember that by tolerating your own distress and allowing your child to be uncomfortable in appropriate situations, you are actually helping them grow their independence!