Misgendering: How it Hurts your Trans Child
Did you know that anyone can be misgendered? You don’t have to be trans to be referred to as the wrong gender or talked about with the wrong pronouns. However, trans people are common recipients of misgendering. Misgendering trans people can have very negative effects. You may not even realize you are hurting your trans child when you do this. Using new pronouns and a new name can be hard to adjust to, especially when it is someone you’ve known all of their life. However, it is important to put in that extra effort and correct your mistakes. Here’s why it’s important to be mindful about pronouns and what you can do to make the switch more seamless…
Rates of suicide attempts amongst transgender and nonbinary youth are unfortunately very high. 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year, including more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth. Transgender and nonbinary youth who reported having pronouns respected by everyone they live with had a 50% lower suicide attempt rate compared to those who did not have their pronouns respected by everyone at home. Transgender and nonbinary youth who were able to change their name and/or gender marker on legal documents, such as driver’s licenses and birth certificates, reported lower rates of attempting suicide as well. Even with these facts, 49% of trans and nonbinary youth do not have anyone in their home using the correct pronouns. By stepping up and making the effort, you could be the one to positively influence your trans child’s life.
If you understand the importance of using the correct pronouns, but you’re still having trouble making the switch, here are some tips:
Know that mistakes will happen -
You’ve known your child for years by the name you’ve given them, so making the switch overnight isn’t realistic. You’re bound to make mistakes, but that’s okay! It’s the way that you approach these mistakes that matters to your child. If you misgender your child, apologize and move on. Don’t make it a big deal, but don’t brush it off either. Acknowledge that you know how important this is to them (and you) and that you are trying. Most trans children just want to know you are making an effort.
Normalize sharing your pronouns -
If you are comfortable, maybe try adding your pronouns to your email signature or wearing a name tag at work. Your child, most likely, constantly has to share their pronouns or make their pronouns publicly known. This can feel isolating since normally, cisgender people (you are cisgender when you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth) do not have to do this; people assume your gender correctly. Normalizing that pronouns are used by everyone, not just trans people, can help start a conversation and help your trans child not feel as alone.
Practice using gender-neutral language -
Your child will notice when you are actively trying to be trans-inclusive. It shows them that you are their ally; you support them and want them to feel comfortable. Another way to be trans-inclusive is to practice using gender-neutral language in everyday life. Switch from the casual “hey you guys” to “hey everyone.” If you’re a teacher, try using “good morning students” as opposed to “boys and girls.” Your child likely notices your inclusive language more than you think.
Overall, trans children benefit from having family members and loved ones who support their preferred pronouns. Using gender-affirming language around them will make them feel supported, included, and loved for who they are. In fact, people who are surrounded by those who use such language report happier lives overall and report reduced rates of depression and anxiety. You can change the way your child is treated, reduce misgendering, and impact their mental well-being by being mindful of your pronoun usage. Be in your child’s corner. Make the extra effort to make them feel included and safe.