How to Validate your Child's Emotions
As a parent, validation is key. You’ve probably heard parenting experts use the term to help you connect with your child. But what does validation really mean? How does it work? And what does it look like when put to practice? Here’s everything you need to know about validation, and how it can become your most powerful parenting tool…
Let’s start with the basics of validation. Validation is when we recognize another person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions as valid or worthwhile. We acknowledge them by showing that we’ve heard them. If it sounds like such a simple thing to do, then why do we have such a hard time validating others, like our children?
Sometimes, it’s because we’re sending mixed messages. As easy as it is to validate our children, it’s just as easy to invalidate them. We may not even realize we’re doing it! We can recognize when we’re invalidating our children’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences by understanding what validation is NOT. Validation is not: agreeing with someone, pacifying them, trying to make them change their behavior, summarizing what they are saying, or trying to solve problems for someone. As a parent, this can be very hard not to engage in unintentional invalidation. It’s tricky to balance the job of teaching, guiding, and nurturing your children with disciplining them, respecting their feelings, and giving them room to grow. Sometimes your actions may conflict with your child’s behavior.
For example, when your child is experiencing intense emotions, they may engage in poor decision making or take impulsive actions. This may look like your child screaming at you when they are angry. In situations like these, you want to validate the emotion, not the behavior. You want to show that you acknowledge their struggle emotionally, but you are not condoning their behavior. You may be thinking, “If I validate my child’s emotion, then they will think it’s okay to act this way every time they’re angry.” When in fact, exactly the opposite is true. Your children are more likely to de-escalate before, during, or after an intense emotional experience if they are being validated by you.
Following the above example you may say something like, “I can see that you are really frustrated right now. Can we talk?” or “I can see that you’re overwhelmed. Let me help you with that” or “I would be frustrated too” or “What a horrible feeling that must be.” None of these examples are validating your child’s behavior; you’re simply acknowledging the emotion. It’s critical to validate your child’s feelings BEFORE discussing or redirecting behavior; skipping this step will feel like invalidation to your child and the behavior may continue. Does this sound familiar?
Some helpful validating statements to start with include:
That must have been so [frightening/upsetting/frustrating] for you.
I understand that you are [upset/nervous/overwhelmed]. It is going to be hard, but I know you will figure it out. I’m here for you too.
It makes sense that you would be [upset/annoyed/worried] about that.
Yeah, I can see how that would make you feel [sad/anxious/angry].
That has to be so difficult for you.
I can see how hard you are working.
What you’re feeling is completely normal.
Remember to validate first. Resist the urge to address or consequence the behavior before validating. After validating, you can redirect behavior, or you can choose to address the concerning behavior after your child’s emotional intensity has decreased. This may sound something like “I see how frustrating this is for you right now; I would be frustrated too. I want to hear what is going on, however I have a hard time when you are yelling. Can we talk about this calmly?” This approach will yield a very different response from your child.
Validation really is essential to parenting. Now that you understand what validation is and isn’t, you can apply it to your interactions with your child. Start by trying one of the statements in this piece the next time that your child is struggling emotionally. Then take notice of their response. See how it changes their behavior. If one statement isn’t successful, try another in a different situation. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to validation; it’s all about finding what works best for your and your child. By getting into the habit of tuning into your child’s emotions and seeking to understand their experience first, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with your child.