How to Connect with your Child

As your child gets older, do you feel like you’re drifting apart? It’s understandable to want to connect with your child. But the baby you once knew is older, wiser, and different now. They seek more independence and privacy than ever before. While it’s not easy maintaining a strong bond, it is certainly doable. Every so often, you’ll have to rethink the dynamics and your approach to the relationship. If one method isn’t working, try something new so you can continue to be a trusted source of support. Here are some tips and tricks to help you stay connected to your child…

Reassure your child that you are there for them -
In order for children to feel comfortable opening up, they need to feel like they can trust you. Build a foundation of trust by assuring your child that they can talk to you about anything. Reassure them that no matter what they say, that you will always love them. Kids and teens sometimes worry about whether they’re “too much,” so let your child know that you can handle whatever baggage they’re carrying. If you feel like your child is going through a tough time, but you can’t get them to open up, consider saying something like “I hope you know you can tell me anything” or “I can handle whatever you’re dealing with and I want to help.” Remember that there is no magic phrase to get your kid to open up. Even in the strongest relationships, sometimes kids need time to feel comfortable sharing. By offering to be there to listen when they’re ready, your child can always count on you.

Use the GIVE Skill-
GIVE is a DBT skill that stands for, Being Gentle, Acting Interested, Validating, and Taking an Easy Manner. Instead of forcing your kid to talk to you about what’s bothering them, let them lead the conversation when they’re ready to do so. Be gentle as you listen. Instead of judging them, be open minded. Listen to the facts before making assumptions. Act interested through your body language; maintain an open posture and nod to show you understand. Give your child the space to share their full story before you interject or give your feedback. And remember to validate their feelings, by saying things like “I understand why that bothers you.” or “It makes sense that you’d feel upset by that.” Validating means showing that you’ve heard them—it does not mean you have to agree!

Talk about how you feel -
Model what it looks and sounds like to share the wide range of feelings. Talk about your emotions at the dinner table or during the drive home from school. When you share a story about a challenging experience at work, your child is seeing that you are strong and can manage hard things. You are modeling that big emotions or frustrating challenges do not break you. You might say something like, “I am feeling really upset about a situation at work. I feel disappointed that a project didn’t go the way I wanted it to. Even though it didn’t go as planned, I learned [xyz] from it, and that’s going to help me with the next project. It feels good to talk about it with you. Would you like to take a walk with me?” If you are feeling caught up in your emotions and you can’t articulate the entire situation, even something as simple as “I am feeling mad; I need to take some space and I will come back when I am feeling calm again” is a great way to model positive coping skills. Children will learn from the way you handle your emotions and struggles. And as you open up, they’ll feel increasingly comfortable doing the same.

Try something new together -
A great way to bond is by trying something new. Step outside of your comfort zone by taking a pottery class, hiking a new trail, or going to a new restaurant and ordering something you’ve never had before on the menu. Process the activity together and share your honest experience. Ask your child “How did that feel for you? I felt nervous and ended up having fun” or “Have you ever felt that way before?” See where open ended questioning and curiosity takes the conversation.

Let your child plan a date -
Lean into their world and try and see it with their eyes. As your child shows or teaches you something, ask exploratory questions like, “How did you come up with this idea?” Allow your child to lead and engage with curiosity, not judgment. You never know what you’ll learn about them in the process.

Connecting with your child is no easy feat. Some days your child may be more inclined to spend time with you and share their experiences, while other days, your child may want their space. It’s important to remember that your child is a unique individual, and that they may or may not want to share as much as their siblings or as much as you do. By finding ways to connect—through gentle listening, modeling positive behavior, trying new things, or exploring their hobbies—you can be there for your child, no matter how old they are.