How to Accept the Things that You Can't Change as a Parent

Do you find yourself having the same conversation, argument, or request over and over with your kids—to no avail? It is understandably exhausting asking something of your child or partner and nothing seems to change. However it’s possible that the situation is unchangeable, so learning to accept the situation for what it is may be your only solution. The DBT skill of “radical acceptance” embodies that idea, as it’s the skill of accepting the things you cannot change.

You have three choices when responding to any situation: you can choose to change, accept, or suffer. You can stay miserable, suffering while doing nothing about it. You can change how you feel about the problem. Or, you can choose to accept it. When you choose to radically accept a situation, you’re practicing complete, total acceptance in your mind, heart, and body. What is important to remember is that you are seeing reality for what it is, even if you don't like it. It doesn't mean you agree with it, condone it, like it, or wish it to be true. You simply accept the situation for what it is.

When you cannot solve a problem or change how you feel about the problem, try acceptance as a way of reducing your suffering. You may be asking—why bother accepting reality? Rejecting reality does not CHANGE reality; it helps you cope with reality, whatever your current situation may be. Additionally, it prevents you from getting stuck in unhappiness, anger, shame, sadness, bitterness, or other painful emotions that come with rejecting reality.

For example, the pandemic is a tremendous example of how you might practice radical acceptance with your family. It is a situation that is out of your control—it is unfair, unpredictable, and stressful. By practicing radical acceptance, you’re able to both acknowledge your inability to control the situation and accept the circumstance as they are. You can control your actions, your choices and thoughts, and how you might interact with your children and your partner. You can also acknowledge the fact that you cannot change the current state of the world. In doing so, you’re no longer in denial about how life is going to look differently. You relinquish the desire to control the situation, and you can deal with it in a less emotional way.

When you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums about reality, and let go of bitterness, you begin to practice radical acceptance. It is the opposite of "Why me?!" It is "Things ARE as they ARE." Radical acceptance help you see how life can be worth living, even if there are painful events along the way.