Fact or Feeling? What's Really Going On

As a parent, it may be difficult to separate facts from feelings. You sometimes find yourself acting on a temporary emotion when the evidence does not support this response. Consider using the skill, “check the facts,” next time you’re feeling that your reaction isn’t matching up to the situation.

Check the Facts helps you to modify your response to a level that is appropriate for the situation, or to respond with a more fitting emotion.
Before you act, ask yourself, is the way that you are feeling and thinking about a situation factual? Find the proof first.

For example, maybe your teen is sleeping at a friends house and you text her to ask what time she needs to be picked up in the morning. It is 9pm and you’re headed to bed. Your teen does not respond. You immediately become filled with anxiety, your body becomes tense, and you worry about what could have happened. Assumptions flood your mind: She’s hurt. She’s out at a party drinking. She is mad at me. She is going to get herself into trouble. You begin to ask yourself, “Should I call her? Should I call her friend’s parents? Should I call the police?” And with this, your emotions continue to spiral, still with no response from your teen.

Use the Describe skill to help you find evidence as you check the facts. When you use the Describe skill, you put into words what you observed without using judgments. You try to label facts as facts, feelings as feelings, and opinions as opinions.

1. Do the facts warrant the intensity of the feeling response?
 You can figure this out and check the facts by going through the following series of questions:

2. What is the emotion you want to change?
In the example above, the emotion is anxiety and fear.

3. What is the event prompting your emotion?
In the example above, it is your teen not responding to your text message.

4. What are your interpretations and assumptions about the event? Do they fit the facts?
In the example above, you’re assuming your teen is hurt, at a party, or angry at you.

5. Do you have evidence to support these assumptions?
No, your teen has only not answered your text message, there is no evidence to support your assumptions.

6. Does your emotion and/or its intensity fit the facts?

Next time, think and reflect before you react. Separate feelings from facts so that you’re responding to life’s challenges and surprises in appropriate ways. By checking the facts, you can determine the proper emotion to respond with and make sure you are responding with the proper intensity of emotion.