How Parents can Promote Patience at Home

The little, annoying things that your family members do can quickly add up. Maybe it’s the way your kids chew with their mouths open or the way your partner stacks the dishes in the sink that gets on your nerves. These minor bothers can get exacerbated during a pandemic. Your emotions are only heightened with the added stress of health, financial, and social concerns. With so many things to worry about, it’s understandable that the little things might put your emotional state over the edge.

One of the best ways to keep your cool during a pandemic is to practice patience. Patience is more than being able to wait for something or someone. It’s also the ability to tolerate unpleasant situations without getting angry or upset (without getting into Emotion Mind, as it’s called in DBT). Parents who are patient are better able to handle daily challenges within the family without losing their cool. Like playing the piano or riding a bike, patience is a learned skill that you can strengthen over time. Here are some ways to cultivate patience…

Be aware of your state of mind –
We tend to realize that we lost our tempers after the fact, rather than in the moment that it’s happening. Pay attention to how you feel in the moment so that you can recognize your state of mind. Think about physical signs and sensations that you experience when you near your Emotion Mind threshold. As your emotions build up, do your fists clench, do your shoulders become tense, or does your breathing speed up? Be aware of the signals your body sends when you become emotional so that you can identify your state of mind and respond with a coping mechanism in the moment.

Take a mindful break –
To prevent your emotions from getting the best of you, consider taking a mindful break. Start by recognizing when your emotions are intensifying; in those moments, step away from the situation that is causing you distress. Go to your room or step outside for a brief emotional reprieve. Go somewhere quiet, where you can focus on calming down without interruptions. Next, concentrate on your breath. Close your eyes, take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.  Pay attention to your chest rising and falling with each breath. Slow down your breathing until you return to a nice, calm rhythm. Then you can return to the situation from a Wise Minded point of view.

Reframe “should” statements –
The way we think and speak can have a substantial impact on how we act and interact with our family. Think about it: when you yell or you have an angry tone to your voice as you tell your children to get off their phones, the message is more likely to be received negatively. People respond best to positivity, not negativity. The problem is that we’re not always aware of how we’re saying things. We tell our kids that they should be doing their homework and we tell ourselves that we should be getting more done in a day. All of these “should” statements may not be angry commands, but they still take a negative tone that puts us and our family members down. “Should” statements are discouraging, so reframe them into positive ones. Turn the statement “You should really get off the phone now and start your work” into “Can you please get off your phone and start your work?” Turn the statement “I should have had this project done by now” into “I will get this project done by 3:00.” Be mindful of how you phrase things. Rather than putting people down, use your language to motivate yourself and others.

It’s okay to lose your cool. It happens to everyone; it’s part of being human. However, you can maintain greater control over your emotions and navigate stressful family situations without as much drama by developing patience. Remember, patience is a learned skill; it takes time to cultivate patience. By being aware of your state of mind, by being mindful of how you speak, and by using coping skills when needed, you will see an improvement in your patience. Strong patience skills will allow you to enjoy more moments with your family, rather than getting frustrated by them.