Dos and Don'ts: Meal Time Conversations with Someone with an Eating Disorder

If your child is struggling with an eating disorder or working through their recovery journey, you may have noticed that meal times can be a huge stressor. People recovering from eating disorders have to directly challenge their disordered thoughts and feelings several times a day during every meal. This can be especially difficult for kids and teens. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid it; we need to eat in order to survive. However as a parent, you can make meal time a bit easier for your child. You can create a nurturing environment for recovery while helping your child build distress tolerance. Here are some do’s and don’t’s for meal time…

Dos

• Have a conversation before the meal to check in and plan.
  Ask them how they are feeling about the meal beforehand. Identify what is making them feel worried and discuss ways to make them feel more comfortable, such as where they sit at the table and how you can discreetly ask them if they need help—some people like to use a code word!

• Focus on the experience as a whole.
  You can acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without focusing so much on the food. Instead, talk about how it feels heart-warming to be sitting with people you love, how nice the weather is at your outdoor table, or how you value catching up at the end of the day together. Meals are about more than just food, so your focus can go beyond the food as well.

• If you do discuss food, focus on the sensory experience.
  By concentrating on your sensory experience, you can look at food from a neutral perspective rather than from a judgmental one. Instead of saying “I’ve eaten way too many chips; they are so bad for me yet so addictive!” you could say "“This potato chip sounds crunchy and the smell reminds me of summer.” See the difference?

• Talk about topics that are not food-related.
  Instead of discussing the new restaurants in town, what’s on the table tonight, or what you will bring to the next family barbecue, talk about topics such as sports, school, family, friends, music, movies, or hobbies. 

• Talk about topics that are easy for your child to tolerate.
  People with eating disorders use their maladaptive behaviors to avoid uncomfortable emotions. If you discuss topics that are stressful to your child at the meal, it will be much harder for them to cope. Talk about topics that you know your child will be interested in, or ones that are lighthearted.

• Have a conversation after the meal.
  Empower your child to talk about how they’re feeling by asking about how their meal time experience was rather than assuming. It’s so important to check in with them. Eating disorders are emotional disorders that make it very difficult to communicate authentically about emotions, so your child may not come to you first if they are struggling. Reach out and ask your child how they felt during their meal. Also ask if there is anything that could help them feel more supported next time while it’s fresh in their mind. It’s just as great of an opportunity to reflect on what worked and plan to do it again!
  

Don’ts 

• Comment on the food.
  Someone with an eating disorder can shut down and feel shame if someone makes a negative comment about a food at the table. If you do comment on a food that you don’t like, choose language such as “I do not prefer this food” rather than “This is so disgusting.” Your loved one may already be over-thinking or feeling stressed about the foods they ate, and negative comments only intensify their emotions. 

• Watch television during the meal.
  Meals can be overwhelming for individuals with eating disorders. Watching TV during a meal might feel more comfortable in the moment, but being distracted while eating can actually reduce emotional tolerance. It is important for your child to build tolerance to their uncomfortable emotions around food.

• Talk about diets.
  Talking about diets that encourage eating less and cutting out foods can be very stressful to someone in recovery. They are likely already working with their nutritionist on eating more foods to balance their diet and increase nutritional benefits. It can feel isolating to hear everyone at the table talking about trying to eat less food. 

• Talk about weight.
  Whether you are talking about your own weight, someone else’s weight, or your child’s weight, it is not appropriate for meal time discussion. The outcome of eating should be focused on feeling satisfied, nourished, and energized—not about the number on the scale.

• Talk about the nutrition content of your food.
  A child or teen in recovery may have a history of being obsessive about ingredients and calories. They may be working on reducing the importance of nutritional content and focusing more on eating mindfully. Refrain from mentioning how much fat, protein, carbohydrates, etc. is in your food and refer back to our dos about discussing the experience of eating as a whole. 

• Talk about their recovery.
  Even if you want to make a positive comment about your child’s recovery, it is best to do this outside of a meal time. Hearing a comment such as “Wow, you are doing so much better with your food than last week!” can feel insulting and uncomfortable for someone in recovery. Save a comment like this for after dinner; it can make a huge difference in how your child feels and reacts to their observed progress. 

As a parent of a child or teen in recovery, you want to do everything you can to support your child. It is important to first acknowledge that there are many ways that you can enable an eating disorder such as serving the safest food options, allowing your child to eat alone, or using distractions during meals. Though these options may make your child more comfortable in the short term, they can lower their distress tolerance and lead to further challenges in the future. In addition, remember that everyone’s recovery is different. As helpful as articles and blogs are, there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Be sure to have conversations with your child about what works best for them. These should be ongoing conversations with your child and their treatment team, so that you can most effectively support your child during whatever stage in the journey they’re at.