Why You Need to Stop “SHOULD-ing” Yourself

Do you ever find yourself saying “I should have” or “I shouldn’t have” done this or that?  For instance, you might think “I should have gone to bed early.” “I shouldn’t have raised my voice and yelled.”  “I shouldn’t have eaten that dessert.” 

Using the terms “should” and “shouldn’t”—or “should-ing” ourselves—impacts how we feel about those actions. Ultimately, a “should-ing” mindset can consistently put us down and inhibit our goals.  So how does this one word have so much influence, and what can we do about it? Let’s explore…

It negatively affects our self perception and our relationships -
By saying to ourselves that we should or shouldn’t have done something implies failure. Saying that we “should” have eaten better implies that we did not eat well.  Saying that we “should” have been nicer means that we were mean. We may not realize it, but we are engaging in negative self talk with that one small word.   When we “should” ourselves, we don’t feel motivation to improve ourselves, but rather we feel guilt and disappointment in ourselves.  We overlook any positive accomplishments and focus on the negative instead.   
This same self criticism can extend into our relationships when we “should'' the people closest to us. Telling others that they should or shouldn't do something places judgement on other people’s actions.  And by doing so, it can lead to feelings of anger and resentment from both parties involved.

It hinders our goals -
Think about the last time you said “I should” or “I shouldn’t” to yourself.  How did it make you feel? Did you feel motivated to do better? 
Most likely not. When we start “should-ing” ourselves, we can easily fall into a spiral of thoughts and negative feelings that inhibits us from completing our goals. We are less inspired to accomplish tasks when we feel like  what we’re doing is wrong.

Reframing the word “should” -
Now that we can see how “should-ing” ourselves can negatively impact our self-perception and our relationships, what do we do?
Rather than saying, “I should”, try saying ”I could.”  This small change in semantics can generate a sense of doing better in the future instead of focusing negatively about the past.  I “shouldn’t” have shouted like that can be reframed into I “could” have taken a breath before speaking when I get angry.  I “would” like to have a better relationship with this person, so I can try and listen before I respond. Reframing your language will change your perspective, turning a negative outlook into a positive, kinder, and more hopeful one.

The next time you find yourself “should-ing” yourself, try reframing your words and see how it makes you feel.  Try showing yourself more compassion and give yourself inspiration to do better by turning “should” statements into “could” statements. We all hope to attain the goals we set for ourselves.  Changing one tiny word could make the difference you didn’t know you needed.