Teen Anxiety and Social Distancing
In the last few weeks since schools have closed and many businesses have begun working remotely, we have heard from many parents of teens with pre-existing social anxiety and/or school refusal, that their teens are thriving while sheltering in place.
One mom described her daughter as, “happy as a clam,” without the pressure of getting to school, and then managing academic expectations and social interactions throughout the school day. Her daughter’s social anxiety naturally limits her interactions outside of school, and without that outlet, her daughter is not connecting to anyone outside of their family.
While this mom, and other parents in similar situations, clearly doesn’t have to manage the, “when will I get to see my friends again?” constant questioning, there are other major concerns.
Parents are worried about the long-term effects of social distancing on their already distanced kids.
“How will I get her back to school, whenever that is?”
“How do I get him to connect to someone his age now that he’s not in school and has no after-school activities?”
“Will all the work that we did in therapy prior to social distancing be lost forever? Will we go back to the starting line?”
These concerns are valid and real. The only known effective therapy for anxiety is EXPOSURE to the offending or triggering situation or thing. Without exposure to school, how will my child ever be able to get to school on time and stay there throughout the full day? It’s a good question— one that therapists are concerned with as well.
Therapists can understand two differences so far about the social effects of social distancing for teens:
For some teens, it is TORTURE. The lack of social interaction and connection limits or eliminates their barometer for their self-image. As teens are supposed to be comparing themselves to other people in order to learn about themselves, they have lost the ability to do that in groups or in natural situations such as at the lunch table, at after school activities, or at a sleepover.
Some of them have no clue who they are without checking it out and bouncing it off their friends during in-person interactions. And yes, they can video call or chat with each other on the phone or online, but this is not the only way they have become accustomed to comparison. Now they must adjust and find a new measuring stick.
These kids seem to be struggling more under these circumstances. They need CONTACT. They need to feel the high vibration of a collective group of teen energy. They need to hug each other. They need to read the body language of their “bestie” to know they are okay. And now that option is instantly gone.For some kids, it is HEAVEN. No more forcing themselves out of bed in the morning with every fiber of their being shouting, “go back to bed, HIDE, AVOID!” No more fighting thoughts like, “I’ll just hide out in the bathroom during math class – no one will know I’m not there.”
For kids with social anxiety, just physically moving through the school day requires lots of energy. It can tap them out emotionally. They require all of their emotional reserves to challenge anxious thoughts as they enter a classroom, answer a question in class, or sit at the lunch table.
Therefore, these kids may be thriving right now, basking in the glow of no more torture, no more tapping out of emotional reserves, and no more compulsions to run and hide, because the offending or triggering thing has magically disappeared!
So, as parents, what can you do if your teen is suddenly THRILLED to be at home with you full-time? You might already have tried encouraging your teen to reach out to friends on social media or through text or FaceTime. And you might be hearing resistance such as, “I’m fine” or “I will.”
Your teen with social anxiety has to constantly be ON or manage their anxiety and avoidance urges for 10 months during a typical school year. For many, this begins to cause distress as early as end of June, just when school is ending. They can start obsessing about returning to school in September and, for some, it can have a dramatic negative impact on their summer.
For other teens, school or social anxiety can turn into school refusal, meaning that summer becomes a reprieve from this inner turmoil. Summer and school breaks can be times for them to temporarily get out of FIGHT or FLIGHT mode and get a breather. Now is a good opportunity for these teens to get into a calm emotional state and press the RESET button for when the demands of school and social interaction return.
If we REFRAME social distancing for a socially anxious and avoidant teen, it can be viewed as a prolonged RESET. It will give your teen the opportunity to let some steam out of the pot, to calm his/her/their central nervous system, and to relax.
Maybe this is a good or necessary thing? For many teens with anxiety, being asked to tolerate and manage school for 180 days seems like a monumental task. So, PARENTS – reframe this as a much needed rest for your socially anxious teen. It’s an opportunity for you to bond as a family without the pressure or fear of what the next morning having to go to school would bring.