Speaking Up for Yourself in Your Relationships
Are you unhappy with your current relationships? Do you find that you tend to give more than you get? Do you feel like your voice isn’t being heard? This could be occurring in any kind of relationship: a romantic relationship, a family relationship, a friendship, a work partnership, and so on. No matter what interaction you’re struggling with, don’t worry! Relationships are tricky. It can be challenging to ask for what you want or to find the courage to say “no” when you’re uncomfortable. Luckily, there are ways to build your confidence and speak up for yourself in your relationships. We’re here to help…
Advocate for yourself in your relationships by practicing a DBT skill called DEARMAN. DEARMAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill, which means that it’s designed to help you communicate better with others. It teaches you how to calmly and effectively ask and receive.
D: Describe - First, share the facts about the situation, and stick to just the facts. Tell the story from an outside point of view, like a third-person narrator.
E: Express - Now you can express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Label feelings as feelings and opinions as opinions. Remember to remain non-judgmental. Use I-statements to explain how you feel without blaming and attacking the other person.
A: Assert - Now is the moment to be direct. Ask for what you want clearly; you cannot assume that the other person already knows what you want. If you’re trying to set a boundary, say NO clearly and directly. Make it clear if someone is asking you to do something that you are not comfortable doing.
R: Reinforce - This is one of the most important steps. Find something of value that will help persuade the other person to say yes without bribing or threatening. (Note: this takes time and practice!) Share the positive and/or negative impacts of the other person doing or not doing what you ask. The goal is to find a reason or reward that reinforces what you want or the boundary that you are trying to set.
M: Mindfulness - Stay focused on your goal. Ignore attempts to change the topic, distractions, aggression, or threats. Be a broken record; keep asking or saying no over and over again. Sometimes you need to say the same thing multiple times before someone truly hears you. Take a break or walk away to stay in Wise Mind!
A: Appear confident - Confidence doesn’t always come naturally. However if you think positive, you’re more likely to appear confident. Show confidence through your body language and demeanor: make eye contact, speak clearly, and assert yourself.
N: Negotiate - Remember that you may not get exactly what you want. Be willing to compromise. You may have to offer alternative options or find a happy medium. You may have to give in on some things in order to reach your ultimate goal. You can also turn the tables and ask others what a good solution might consist of.
The DEARMAN skill is very helpful for people who find themselves struggling to find words to effectively ask for something, or for people who have difficulty setting boundaries or turning people down due to guilt or fear. Practice DEARMAN to get more out of your relationships. Start using this skill first with people that you’re comfortable with. Then as you build confidence and mastery, you can use it in relationships where you most need to advocate for yourself. With time, you can enjoy your interactions more so you feel like you’re getting something out of them, not like you’re suffering from them.