Parenting Without Judgment
Do you ever find you’re hard on yourself as a parent? Does one poor word choice or impulsive action evolve into a downward spiral of negative emotions about yourself as a parent? Do you tend to assume the worst about yourself when the situation unfolds differently than planned?
Judgments are FUEL on emotional fire. Although you need judgments in order to stay safe, negative judgments may impact your self-efficacy and how you view yourself in the parenting role. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, acting non-judgmentally is essential to avoid mistaking your opinions or emotions as facts. Mindfulness allows you to take a vacation from judgment. Since it is impossible to eliminate judgments entirely, identify your judgments and replace them with a non-judgmental, neutral stance.
Begin by separating opinions from facts. In order to begin observing thoughts and emotions in an objective way, you must decide to respond non-judgmentally to them.
Be mindful of judgment words that often appear in your vocabulary, without you even realizing it. For example, using words like ‘‘bad,’ ‘good,’ ‘right,’ ‘wrong,’ ‘should,’ ‘fair,’ ‘unfair,’ among others.
Eliminate thinking in terms of “good or bad” and “negative or positive.” Focus on determining concrete facts using words such as “who,” “what,” “where,” and “when” as guides.
Acknowledge your feelings in the moment without judging what they ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be in order to practice non-judgmentally. If you do find yourself being judgmental, don’t judge your own judging!
Consider this example: You’re excited about a new recipe for dinner tonight. Upon serving the meal, your children have nothing but negative things to say; they ask for a different dinner. You feel your emotional temperature begin to rise. How might you non-judgmentally approach this situation? The facts are that your family does not like the recipe. However, you might find yourself becoming upset or anxious, falling into a spiral of overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, or placing judgment on the situation. For example, you might think to yourself: “I’m so bad at cooking. I should have known they wouldn’t like it. I’ll never succeed. I let my family down.” Instead, take a non-judgmental stance by stating: “It is one recipe my family is not particularly fond of and I can try a new recipe tomorrow.” That way, you can find a solution without getting yourself down.
If you’re feeling bogged down by your thoughts and feelings as a parent, you are not alone. Integrate a non-judgmental stance into your parenting approach. Although judgment is embedded in human nature, consider acknowledging harmful judgments and letting them go. This will help you successfully move forward from whatever situations arise in your family.