Maintain Self-Respect in your Relationships
Relationships are all about compromise and balance. They require us to listen to others, to voice our point of view, and to engage in a give and take. However, not all relationships are balanced. Sometimes we overstep our roles. We may assert our point of view so strongly that we cause others to act in ways that make them uncomfortable. Other times, we don’t stand up for ourselves. We follow along with what other people want to do, even if it does not align with our values. In relationships like these, it may be helpful to use the FAST skill to navigate difficult interpersonal situations—like setting boundaries, for example. FAST helps us keep our self-respect so that we feel good about our relationships.
F: Fair -
Being fair means being fair to others and to yourself. Don’t put other people’s wants and needs above your own. Instead, balance your wants and needs with the wants and needs of the other person. Voice your point of view, listen to the other person, and take turns giving and taking. Then, you can find a happy medium that both of you are comfortable with. It’s also important to accept responsibility when you are wrong and be kind when others make mistakes. We’re all human and we should treat each other fairly.
A: no Apologies -
Don’t over-apologize, especially for things that are not your fault. When you say “I’m sorry” repeatedly, you are sending yourself the message that you are wrong and you’re lowering your self-esteem in the process. Before you apologize, ask yourself, “Does this situation call for an apology, or am I over-apologizing?” Be mindful of how often you apologize and only apologize when necessary.
S: Stick to your values -
You have every right to stick to your values; don’t feel that you have to do anything that goes against your values in order to please others. For example, you should not have to abandon your family, friends, religion, or hobbies to continue a relationship. Consider what your values are before deciding on what to do. What is most important to you? How would you like to be seen and remembered? Then, act in ways that match your values.
T: be Truthful -
It’s generally best to tell the truth. Even a little lie can build up or cause others to lose trust in you. Sometimes we lie to avoid trouble, confrontation, or hurting someone’s feelings; however, in the long run, it’s best to be honest and work through it. Avoid lying and making excuses because they only hurt your relationships. Be honest and authentic as much as you can.
Relationships can be complicated at times. It’s not always easy finding balance while sticking to what you believe in. FAST can help you act in ways that increase your self-respect in relationships. As you build mastery of this skill, you can gain the confidence to stand up for yourself and enjoy healthy, balanced relationships.