Infinity Loop: Identifying Negative Cycles in Your Relationship
Graphic credited to Jay M. Seiff-Haron, Psy.D.
Do you ever feel like you go through the same cycles in your relationships? Do you and your partner find yourselves arguing over the same issues, time and time again? Does asking your child to pick up after themselves always result in a fight? Using the Infinity Loop can be a helpful tool in figuring out what isn’t working and making a change for the better to improve our relationships.
The Infinity Loop is part of Emotionally Focused Therapy, an evidence-based theory used in couple’s therapy. Scott Woolley, PhD, first introduced the Infinity Loop to help couples identify negative cycles that they get stuck in—the negative patterns that can perpetuate undesired outcomes and dissatisfaction. This same tool can be applied to our other relationships, as well.
Identifying and communicating these cycles’ helps each person gain a deeper understanding of one another’s experience and perspective. It’s a great tool to help people have less argumentative and more effective discourse, interrupting interaction patterns that may no longer serve us.
Use the following steps, as well as the attached visuals, to begin identifying the negative cycles or patterns in your partner relationships:
(Steps A and B are happening “under the surface”; more of an internal dialogue. Steps C-F are “above the surface”; what we might express verbally to our partner.)
Step A: “I yearn for this…..” – What is the most basic thing you want from your partner in this moment? What do you want and/or wish for? Example: I yearn to feel loved and important.
Step B: “I feel………when what I yearn for does not happen” – What is the primary feeling that comes up when your need/want from Step A is not met? Example: I feel sad and insecure when I perceive you don’t love me and I’m not your priority.
Step C: “When my vulnerable feelings are too difficult, I show ……. instead” – How do you tend to behave to “cover” up thoughts and feelings related to unmet needs/wants? Example: Rather than communicate my sadness or insecurity, I show up angry instead and create distance from you.
Step D: “What I think about me then is……” – What is your perception of yourself during these times? Example: I’m always being taken for granted and I shouldn’t make myself available to you.
Step E: “What I think about you then is…..” – What is your perception of you partner during these times? What feeds the vulnerable feeling? Example: They don’t care about me enough to make me a priority.
Step F: “Then, what I do to take care of myself is…….. which triggers my partner” – What behavior comes out as a response, that is directed at your partner? Example: I tend to totally shut-down, which my partner doesn’t understand, or I pick a fight over something small from our past.
For your family relationships:
Step A: “I yearn for this…..” – What is the most basic thing you want from your child in this moment? What do you want and/or wish for? Example: I yearn to feel appreciated and valued.
Step B: “I feel………when what I yearn for does not happen” – What is the primary feeling that comes up when your need/want from Step A is not met? Example: I feel unappreciated, unrecognized, and overlooked when I perceive that they don’t see how hard I work to take care of them.
(Steps A and B are happening “under the surface”; more of an internal dialogue. Steps C-F are “above the surface”; what comes out to our family member.)
Step C: “When my vulnerable feelings are too difficult I show ……. Instead” – How do you tend to behave to “cover” up thoughts and feelings related to unmet needs/wants? Example: Rather than communicate my want to feel appreciated, I show up frustrated and overwhelmed instead, resenting how much I have on my plate and how much I manage on my own without help.
Step D: “What I think about me then is……” – What is your perception of yourself during these times? Example: I always going above and beyond for others, and I never ask for help.
Step E: “What I think about you then is…..” – What is your perception of your child during these times? What feeds the vulnerable feeling? Example: They’re careless and inconsiderate at times, don’t even say thank you, and just expect things to be done for them.
Step F: “Then, what I do to take care of myself is…….. which triggers my family member” – What behavior comes out as a response, that is directed at your child? Example: Now that I’m overwhelmed, I lash out, pointing out all the areas in their life that I feel they can be doing more in, being on screens less, studying more, doing their laundry, etc.
The Infinity Loop is most effective when each step is shared with the other person. It gives them a better understanding of what is occurring underneath or from within. You can also learn about how the other person is feeling and what they’re looking/hoping for in the relationship, what needs they feel like aren’t being met for them, etc. Having this newly acquired knowledge can open up communication needed to understand one another better. Then, both you and the other person can work together to change and improve your behaviors and your relationship.