How to Navigate Tough Times Using Dialectics

For you as a parent it may often feel like the hard parenting moments last a lifetime. Sometimes, your child’s 15-minute tantrum over having to clean up their room feels unbearable and incessant. While you know you’re doing the right thing by teaching them responsibility, you start to question your decision and ask yourself “Is this really worth it?” when your head starts to spin hearing your child complain over and over again. Well, this is where using dialectics may come in handy!

Dialectics is best explained by “the balance, or existence, of opposites.” It acknowledges that two things that seem opposite can both be true and co-exist. As a therapist who primarily uses the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) modality in clinical practice, I have witnessed first-hand how this concept can bring families clarity, hope, and peace during the tough times.

Practice dialectics during the tough times, and any time, by:

Considering all points of view in a situation. This includes your child’s perspective! What if during your child’s tantrum you acknowledge this fact and validate their feelings while specifically asking them what your expectations are? Think of what a world of a difference that would make! For example, a statement such as “I can understand that you are exhausted from a long day at school and I would really appreciate it if you vacuumed the floor and put all your dirty clothes in the laundry basket so you could then relax.”

Moving to “and” thinking and away from but, either/or, or all-or-nothing thinking. Practice thinking that two things can be true at the same time even when they seem like opposites. You can be a loving parent and be strict. You can be very angry or disappointed at your child and still love them. Avoid using extreme words or phrases that invalidate the beginning of your statement. For example, non-dialectically speaking you might say “I think you did a good job at cleaning your room but you missed a lot of the garbage on the floor as always.” Instead try saying something like, “You did a great job cleaning your room despite feeling tired and I’m still seeing a few pieces on the floor, can you grab those?” This can be a more validating and gentle way to deliver feedback.

Change is constant! While right now the tough parenting times feel overwhelming, your child is growing and over time these tough times will fade away. Enjoy every stage and remember that you will never get these years with your child back. Sometimes we are too focused on the everyday to-do’s and checklists that we forget to work on the relationships and connections that need to be watered to grow, after all, they will last longer than the checklists.

The more you practice dialectical thinking and dialectical speech the easier it will become. Reminding yourself that this tough moment is hard and easier ones will come can help you be more resilient both in the short and long term.