How to be a Dialectical Parent

Do you have trouble keeping your cool when parenting your teen?

It’s not easy dealing with teens emotional up and downs while keeping your own emotions in check. Therefore, taking a dialectical approach might be helpful for you.

Being dialectical means finding balance—specifically, balance between opposites. There is an opposite to everything in life, and we tend to be most effective when we balance those opposing ideas. By finding balance between things that seem completely opposite to you, like a draining day and a calm mind, you can manage your teen without the emotional strain. Are you ready to apply dialectics to your parenting approach?

Start by maintaining an open mind. This is easier said than done in emotionally-charged situations, like when your teen is acting up or self-isolating. In these moments, we tend to think in terms of “black and white.” We either love or hate something. We either feel strong or weak. We either are happy or sad. Dialectics breaks us out of this sometimes limiting mindset. It encourages us to consider how both ideas, even if they seem to be polar opposites, can both be true. Open your mind to the idea that opposites can coexist and apply that mindset when interacting with your son or daughter. 

Consider how the opposite side of a situation can be just as true as what you believe to be correct. You don’t have to agree with an opposing perspective, but acknowledging that it can be factual is important, especially with teens. You don’t have to agree with your teen; simply recognize that their point of view is valid and let them know that you understand where they are coming from. For example, you may believe that 10 PM is a fair curfew, while they think that midnight is a better curfew time. You both have reasons for believing your viewpoint is true, even if your ideas seem to clash with one another. Simply recognize that both of these opposing ideas are valid and validate your teen. Perhaps then you can reach a compromise, or your teen might begin to see things from your point of view as well.

Think about the ways in which you can apply dialectics to your parenting. What are some common examples of when you can balance opposites in your life? Maybe you recognize that your teen craves independence AND still wants (and sometimes needs) your help. Maybe you acknowledge that you can impose consequences for negative behaviors AND still love, care about, and know what is best for your child. Your feelings and emotions are valid AND you can work on controlling them. Dialectics is at work all of the time, from arguing over where to go out for dinner, to celebrating achievements in school, to dealing with stressful and complicated friendships and family relationships.

As a parent, remember that there is always more than one way to see a solution, and more than one way to solve a problem. Avoid trapping yourself in a “one size fits all” mindset and allow yourself to consider your teenager’s ideas in addition to your own. Consider new ways to respond to your emotions, to your behaviors, as well as your teens’ emotions and behaviors. By applying dialectics to your life, you can manage your relationship with your teen more effectively without losing your cool.