How Kids and Teens can Form Healthy Peer Relationships
Healthy relationships are key to a healthy lifestyle. Your kids begin by building family relationships, then extended family relationships, and later they expand into developing peer relationships of their own. All of these relationships are opportunities for kids to build trust, share experiences, and grow as individuals. Unfortunately, building and maintaining strong relationships isn’t always easy. Sometimes the best-intended relationships go south. So how can we give our kids the tools to form healthy and balanced relationships on their own? Here are some tips…
Before your child gets to a place where they may be struggling in a peer relationship, it is important to teach and model the characteristics of healthy relationships. Here are some values that contribute to healthy connections, along with questions for you and your child to explore regarding each characteristic.
Mutual Respect: Am I treating the other person as if they have value?
Compassion: Do I have genuine concern for the other person’s needs/issues?
Empathy: To what extent am I able to be open to what another person feels?
Understanding: Do I try to understand the other person?
Acceptance: Can I feel I am OKAY the way I am? Do I accept others as they are, and do they accept me?
Honesty: Is the relationship built on truthfulness?
Trust: To what level am I willing to share private aspects of my thoughts/feelings?
Communication: Can we talk freely about concerns that are important to the relationship? Can we speak effectively so both of us feel understood?
Consideration: Am I mindful of the other person’s needs, as well as my own?
Compatibility: To what extent do we like and value similar things? If we disagree, are we able to do so effectively?
Personal Integrity: Am I able to maintain my beliefs and sense of self in the relationship?
Vulnerability: At what level can I let down my barriers and allow others to see my weaknesses without receiving negative reactions from them?
Note that for highly successful relationships, these values need to be upheld by both people in the relationship—meaning that both your child and their peer engage in these values. Also – not all values need to be present in order to have successful relationships, but there needs to be mutual understanding of one another’s needs .
If your child is currently struggling in a relationship, it’s possible that one of these relationship values is being impacted. You can figure out which value is affected by being mindful and self-aware.
Have your children establish a baseline of what contributes to a healthy relationship for them.
Use the above list as a guide to talk to your child about the values that are most important to them. That way, they can ensure that those core values are being met in their relationships.Explain that challenges in relationships can be a result of these values either being challenged, not equally reciprocated, or completely missing from the relationship.
Discuss how you can address it when they notice this occurring. For example, let’s say one of your child’s core values is trust and they notice there’s a trust issue in their peer relationship. Your child was open and honest with a friend, but they weren’t receiving the same in return. This made the relationship feel one-sided. This is an opportunity for your child to discuss what they may need in the relationship that they are not currently receiving.Validate your child’s feelings and encourage them to be a self-advocate.
Your child may be upset regarding this, and that’s normal. Reassure them that it’s okay to be upset or frustrated with a friend, and they deserve to be treated with the same respect and care that they are giving. Then, empower them to voice their concerns with their peers. When our children can recognize their own needs in a relationship, they can begin to address them and advocate for themselves.Without a baseline or understanding of healthy relationships our children can be more at risk to fall into unhealthy relationship patterns due to lack of knowledge.
If you’re concerned about how your child is engaging in their relationships, keep an eye out for warning signs. Some relationship behaviors that can be of concern include control, hostility, dishonesty, disrespect, dependence, intimidation, or emotional/physical violence. If your child begins to display or share any of these behaviors, it is imperative to have talk to them about the relationship. Early communication is key to preventing future conflicts and it’s a great opportunity to educate them about what is and what is not acceptable or healthy in their relationships.
No matter how your child’s relationships are going or what social development stage they’re at, open communication is critical. By discussing your child’s relationships, their relationship values, and their social behaviors, you can help your child avoid relationship pitfalls. You can support your child in developing healthy relationships today, as well as in the future, by teaching, modeling, and talking about these tools for success.