Challenging Perfectionism in Your Family

Does your child feel pressured by perfectionism? Do they do everything they can to get perfect grades, memorize all of their lines in the school play, or score for their team in every sports game? Whether we realize it or not, we tend to feed into our children’s desire to be perfect in a certain aspect of life or to know exactly what they are going to do when they grow up. Perfectionist tendencies can have a series impact on your child’s mental health. In extreme cases, this can lead to things such as anxiety, depression and eating disorders. How can you help your child find balance in their life while encouraging them to do their best? Here are some tips…
 

Be mindful of your reaction.
Instead of reacting on impulse when your child is upset with a B- on their math test or when they miss a goal in soccer, pause and respond to them mindfully. You can show love and concern without matching the intensity of their emotions. Before you respond, take a breath and tell yourself, “This isn’t a catastrophe.” If you remain composed with a compassionate expression, even when a perfectionistic child or teen has a meltdown, you are modeling emotional differentiation—the ability to be in the presence of others’ strong emotions but not be swallowed up by them. Your child will pick up on your calm response rather than feed off of your intense reaction.

Don’t feel obliged to fix or resolve difficult situations.
In fact, “rescuing” your child will not empower them or help them develop independence. Instead of viewing their struggle as “bad,” try to view it as building resilience. Avoid the impulse to “fix” perfectionistic behaviors. Any tantrum, meltdown, or panic from “felt pressure of expectations” doesn’t have to be stopped—unless something or someone is being harmed. While it’s understandable to not want your child to “feel bad,” it’s even more important to let them learn to deal with the bad or uncomfortable feelings that come with setbacks. It will help them grow. Validate your child’s feelings by telling them that you understand why they are upset or angry or frustrated. Ask them what they can do next; give them the freedom to make their next step rather than jumping in to solve their problem. Learning to tolerate bad feelings can help parents too. Growing up is a challenging process; there will be a mix of celebratory and trying moments. It is important to acknowledge this in order to validate kids’ complicated feelings.

Encourage them to recognize what they can & cannot control.
In challenging moments, your child’s tendency will be to think about everything they can’t control. If they didn’t make the school jazz band, for example, they might dwell on how they could have played their audition piece better or how not being in jazz band hurts their chances of playing music for their school in college. In moments like these, encourage your child to think about what’s in their control just as much as what isn’t within their control. In the previous example, one aspect within their control is their response to the rejection. They can keep practicing and taking lessons despite not making the jazz band. That way, they’ll be better prepared to make the group next year. By making fuller considerations, your child can put their focus into what’s within their control rather than getting frustrated about what they cannot change.

Create a small, safe area at home for outbursts.
Set up a safe space in your house for your child to go to when they are dealing with difficult emotions. Make this a designated area for them to calm down, perhaps with soft toys, pillows to rest on our to pound, dim lighting, or music. Then, when your child is experiencing an emotional outburst, you can encourage them to go to their safe space and practice calming strategies to help them regain composure and control of their emotions.

Express unconditional love without expecting perfection.
Let your words and actions communicate love and support without depending on “perfect” results. Rather than saying “You are so amazing for acing your pop quiz!” say “You paid such great attention in class and it paid off!” When your child is feeling disappointed with their performance in school or extracurriculars, you could say “I’m so glad you are who you are” or “I’m so grateful that you’re my kid. I love you just for being you.”

Encourage your child to use a mantra.
A creative mantra that resonates with your child can make a big impact. They can repeat the phrase as a form of self-encouragement when they’re feeling down. Some example mantras include “Everyone makes mistakes,” “I did best,” and “I’m human.”

Ask open-ended questions.
When your child comes home from school, ask questions that are less results-oriented and that open your child to express themselves more than simple statements like “I bombed my science presentation” or “I got the lead role.” Try asking “How are you feeling about your day?” instead of, “How did you do on the test?”

Perfectionism is so common among kids and teens. They want to be their best, but too often they confuse being their best for being the best. As much as they’d like to be amazing at everything they do, it’s just not possible. A perfectionist mindset can lead to reduced self-esteem and mental health issues in the long-term if it becomes out of control. To help your child, first learn the signs of perfectionism. Notice how they talk about their challenges. If your child is striving for perfection and is reacting harshly when their goals aren’t met 100%, follow the tips above. As a parent, you’re in a great position to guide your child in finding balance and setting ambitious, yet realistic goals. Your child can achieve a healthy practice for excellence in their schoolwork and in their extracurricular interests.