Validation: A Universal Language
“You’re just not listening to me!” your adolescent child yells at you for the third time today as you try hard to prove to them that you are. You’re not on your phone, you’re not washing the dishes, you’re doing your best to be present and even give them the eye contact you think they want as you lean over the kitchen counter staring at their disappointed demeanor. “You just don’t get it!” they say, as they storm off into their room and once again you can’t resolve the topic of the conversation.
Too often child and adolescent therapists, like myself, hear these anecdotes from parents and naturally the question that follows, “What can I do to resolve this?” Quite frequently, the answer is: VALIDATE them.
Validation does not mean agreeing with what they want or endorsing inappropriate behavior. It simply shows that you are understanding what they are feeling, thinking, or doing. Remember, you can validate AND set boundaries (dialectical statement alert!).
For example, if your adolescent comes home past curfew and is trying to justify why they were late. An invalidating statement would sound like: You knew what time you were supposed to come home, no excuses, you’re grounded next weekend so cancel all of your plans with friends. While a validating response to your adolescent instead be: I get that you were having a fun time with your friends and that made it hard to leave, and since you broke the rules I still have to give you the consequence you were made aware of initially.
It can be hard to get into the habit of using validating language during interactions with your child. However, the more you practice it, the better you will become at it and soon enough you will be able to live the power of this parenting tool! Try integrating some of the statements below in responses to your child to start practicing validation today:
I am sorry to hear that
You did the best you could
That must have made you feel really ________(insert emotion word that best fits what they just shared with you)
I can see how that must have made you feel really ________(insert emotion word that best fits what they just shared with you)
Tell me more about that
That’s such a _________(insert emotion word that best fits what they just shared with you) situation to be in
I hear what you are saying and …. (either agree or disagree)
That sounds really hard
What was that like for you?